Category: Parenting advice

Parenting advice, Tips to navigate "the System"

Reactive Attachment Disorder: Redefining Success

Recorded Live at the #NavRAD2024 Conference. Keri shares counterintuitive, creative solutions for parenting kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Note: I have permission from all of my children to share the stories, information, and pictures included in this presentation.

Parenting advice

Reactive Attachment Disorder Resources from #NAVRAD24

I’m presenting at the Navigating Reactive Attachment Disorder (NAVRAD) conference for the third year in a row, hosted by RADAdvocates. Each time I come, my goal is to gather valuable information to share with families who couldn’t attend. This year, my focus is on highlighting the incredible resources available here as this conference is a hub of the best RAD resources. 

RAD Advocates

RAD Advocates offers a variety of resources to caregivers of kids with RAD. 

  • Annual Navigating RAD conference which is a guided experience to assist parents in creating an actionable plan forward
  • Blog and educational resources
  • Support memberships ranging from group support to custom advocacy. RAD Advocates will work with your child’s IEP team, RTF team, and provide crisis support.

RAD Advocates is a trusted organization because it’s run by RAD moms who have personal experience and a passion for helping others. As an advocate I’m careful about who I send caregivers to. Most “trauma informed” organizations and service providers have no idea how to help kids with RAD. Most cause more harm than good. RAD Advocates is different. They are my go-to referral for parents. www.radadvocates.org

Lifespan Trauma Consulting

Forrest Lien LCSW is a revolutionary RAD clinician because he has living experience with thousands of families and children. Lifespan Trauma Consulting offers:

  • Training and coaching for clinicians, agencies, and treatment facilities
  • Developmental trauma assessments
  • Expert legal testimony

Parents, myself included, rave about Forrest because he’s one of the few clinicians who “gets it” when no one else does. Every time I hear him speak I learn something new – and I marvel at his empathy and understanding of exactly what we are struggling with. The most valuable resources he offers, in my opinion, are developmental assessments and medication consultations. He can help get you on a better path by collaborating with your providers for the right services and medications.

“Treatment that pushes attachment before it’s appropriate, when the kid isn’t ready and mom is mad, only causes more trauma.”
#realtalk @ #navrad2024
Forrest Lien

Connect with Forrest at the annual #navRAD conference or through www.lifespantrauma.com

Carrie O’Toole Ministries

Carrie O’Toole Ministries specializes in the hard stuff – shame, grief, and relinquishment.

  • Individual, couple, and sibling coaching 
  • Support groups for moms of kids with RAD
  • Relinquishment retreat
“Some of you may be beyond the point of recovery.”
Carrie O’Toole

Carrie is a kind, trustworthy resource for RAD families offering compassion and understanding. She, and her coaches, offer moms a safe place to process, feel, and heal. 

RAD Sibs

RADSibs is a community for siblings of kids with RAD.

  • Sibling support groups offering connection with others and coaching
  • Creative resources including a safety magnet

My biggest regret is not realizing the negative impact RAD was having on my other kids. For families in crisis, this can be especially damaging as these kids needs are not met and they are traumatized by the situation. RADSibs is an invaluable resource for siblings. I’ve met some of the RAD siblings who are building this community and cannot say enough about their passion and empathy. 

“As much time as we spend helping our kid with RAD, we cannot forget our bonded kids.”
Monica Badgley

RAD Talk

Tracey Poffenroth-Prato is a certified Life and Wellness coach who is passionate about supporting RAD parents because she’s been there.

  • Support Group and 1:1 coaching for RAD parents
  • Annual RAD Mom Retreat
  • Host of the RAD Talk podcast

I’m thrilled to personally vouch for Tracey. She’s empathetic, kind, knowledgeable – and she’s been there. There’s nothing like connecting with someone who truly understands, has gone on the healing journey, and is willing to provide you with personal support. Connect with Tracey at www.radtalkwithtracey.com

“RAD is different and unpredictable for every kid. The only thing that is predictable is you. So do it for you.”

“RAD is unpredictable. The only thing that is predictable is you, so do it for you. You don’t have to go down with the ship.”
Tracey Poffenroth-Prato

Best Choice Admissions

Best Choice Admissions offers information on residential treatment centers, a free service to parents. 

  • Provides information on the best options based on the child’s needs and the family’s budget 
  • Paid by the programs, this service is free to families
  • Fundraising platform for families to raise money for out of home treatment
  • Resources website

These organizations may give you a pause, but I’ve had the opportunity to get to know President/CEO, Scott Smith. He’s passionate about helping parents find the best placements for their kids and his heart is to help everyone. He knows funding is a huge barrier for so many and that’s why he’s created an online fundraising platform. This is a free service for parents and Scott is full of great information about how these programs work, personal observations of various programs, and more. You can connect with Best Choice Admissions and Scott at www.bestchoiceadmissions.com

Child-on-Parent Violence (CPV), Parenting advice

NVR: Parenting strategies for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Adoptive parenting can present unique challenges, especially when parenting a child who has experienced trauma or has behavioral difficulties. Traditional disciplinary approaches may not always be effective or appropriate in these situations. This is where Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) comes in—a powerful and compassionate strategy that focuses on building connection and resolving conflicts without resorting to violence or aggression. 

NVR offers parents a set of principles and strategies to address challenging behaviors while promoting the child’s emotional well-being and strengthening the parent-child relationship. It focuses on empowering parents to take a proactive role in managing difficult situations and building a foundation of trust and connection. It emphasizes de-escalation techniques, non-violent communication, collaborative problem-solving, and setting limits without resorting to physical or verbal aggression.

History of NVR

Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) originated as a therapeutic approach developed by psychologist Haim Omer as a method to address violent and self-destructive behaviors among adolescents. The development of NVR was influenced by several psychological theories and practices, including family therapy, attachment theory, and non-violence movements. Haim Omer drew inspiration from Mahatma Gandhi’s non-violent resistance philosophy and Martin Luther King Jr.’s principles of non-violent social change.

Omer recognized the need for a non-punitive, non-adversarial approach that could help parents and caregivers address challenging behaviors without resorting to aggression or violence. NVR is rooted in the belief that individuals can change, and relationships can be repaired through non-violent means.

Core Principles

Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) can be a valuable approach for parents dealing with children who exhibit violent behavior. While it may not provide an immediate solution, it offers a long-term strategy that focuses on building trust, connection, and communication. Here are some ways NVR can help parents address violent behavior:

  1. Maintaining Safety: The first priority when dealing with violent behavior is ensuring the safety of all family members. Implementing safety plans and establishing clear boundaries is essential. NVR emphasizes the importance of setting limits on violent behavior while avoiding physical or verbal aggression in response.
  2. Calm and Composed Response: NVR encourages parents to respond to violent outbursts calmly and without aggression. By remaining composed, you model self-control and show your child that their behavior won’t elicit an aggressive response from you. Take deep breaths, regulate your emotions, and focus on de-escalation.
  3. Physical Distancing: If the situation becomes physically unsafe, practicing physical distancing is important. Gently guide your child to a safe space where they can calm down and regain control. This protects everyone involved and prevents further escalation.
  4. Non-Violent Communication: NVR emphasizes the use of non-violent communication techniques to address conflicts. This includes active listening, empathetic responses, and reflecting on shared goals. By creating an atmosphere of understanding and respect, you encourage open dialogue and problem-solving.
  5. Building Emotional Connections: NVR recognizes the significance of building emotional connections with your child. This involves finding moments of connection, expressing empathy, and offering support. Strengthening the parent-child bond can help address underlying causes of violent behavior, such as trauma or unmet emotional needs.
  6. Collaborative Problem-Solving: NVR promotes collaborative problem-solving, involving both parents and children in finding solutions. Engage your child in discussions about alternative behaviors, consequences, and ways to address conflicts constructively. Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions and involve them in developing strategies to manage anger and frustration.

If your child’s violent behavior persists or escalates, it may be necessary to seek professional help. A mental health professional experienced in NVR or trauma-informed care can provide guidance, individualized strategies, and support for both you and your child.

Example de-escalation techniques

Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) de-escalation techniques are strategies that parents can employ to defuse tense situations and prevent conflicts from escalating further. These techniques aim to promote calmness, open communication, and mutual understanding. Here are some common NVR de-escalation techniques that parents can use:

  1. Stay Calm and Composed: As a parent, it’s essential to maintain your own emotional balance during moments of conflict or intense emotions. Take deep breaths, regulate your own stress response, and focus on staying calm. By modeling composure, you can create an atmosphere of safety and stability.
  2. Physical Distancing: If tensions are rising and emotions are running high, physical distancing can help create space and diffuse the situation. Gently suggest that both you and your child take a break to cool down. Encourage them to go to a quiet place, such as their room, where they can engage in calming activities like deep breathing or listening to soothing music.
  3. Use Active Listening: Show your child that you are genuinely interested in understanding their perspective. Practice active listening by giving your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and nodding or using verbal cues to acknowledge their feelings. Reflect back what you hear to ensure accurate understanding, without judgment or criticism.
  4. Validate Emotions: Let your child know that their feelings are valid and understandable, even if you may not agree with their behavior. By acknowledging their emotions, you can create a sense of empathy and understanding. Statements like, “I can see that you’re feeling frustrated right now,” or “It seems like this situation is really upsetting for you,” can help validate their experience.
  5. Reflect on Shared Goals: Shift the focus from conflict to shared goals and aspirations. Remind your child of the positive things you both want to achieve together. For example, say, “We both want our family to be happy and peaceful. How can we work together to find a solution?”
  6. Problem-Solving Together: Encourage your child to engage in problem-solving with you. Invite them to brainstorm potential solutions or alternatives to the current issue. By involving them in the process, you empower them to take responsibility and develop critical thinking skills.
  7. Offer Choices: Provide your child with choices within reasonable boundaries. By giving them some autonomy, they feel a sense of control over their actions and can be more receptive to finding constructive solutions. For instance, say, “Would you like to take a break and come back to discuss this later, or would you prefer to write down your thoughts and share them with me?”

Learn more:

Online training by Al Coates MBE Social Worker and Advanced Non Violent Resistance Practitioner

NVRnorthampton offers services for locals, but also blog posts and a FB page

Most Popular, Parenting advice

How to discipline a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – Part II

In case you missed it: How to discipline a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – Part I

STRATEGIES THAT DO NOT WORK, AND WHY

  • Behavior modification isn’t effective because kids with RAD often lack cause and effect thinking and are not sufficiently motivated by rewards. Furthermore, these tactics convey to the child what is important to the parent. The child can use that information to thwart the parent and gain control of the household.
  • Punishments act to reinforce the child’s innate sense of worthlessness. The parent and child will find themselves locked in an ineffective cycle of misbehavior and punishment when the parent is punitive.
  • Multiple warnings are perceived by the child as weakness and an opportunity to continue misbehavior. These nearly always backfire.
  • Reprimanding often provokes an extreme reaction, especially when done publicly because it plays into the child’s already low self-esteem and can trigger their internalized self-loathing and anger.
  • Zero tolerance policies leave parents with little latitude when the child refuses to comply. Parents may find themselves shocked by the obstinacy of the child who continues to up the ante.
  • Focusing on “why” is counterproductive because these children typically lack analytical and abstract thinking skills. Asking why or explaining why is likely to be frustrating for both parent and child.
  • Responding emotionally to a child’s behavior is unhealthy for the parent and places the child squarely in the driver’s seat. When a parent takes a child’s behavior personally and becomes provoked to anger, the child is in control.

As you can see, “Parenting 101” simply does not work with kids who have RAD. Those strategies,

  • continuously activate your child’s fight-flight response system
  • create a tug-of-war between you and your child
  • give your child opportunities to humiliate you with non-compliance
  • give your child the opportunity to exert their (age inappropriate) control time and time again, and
  • create frustrating loops with no off ramp for you as a parent

Most importantly, traditional parenting methods and approaches will not result in behavioral changes or compliance, especially as your child gets older. Since this definitely won’t work, trauma-informed therapeutic parenting  methods can provide a meaningful way forward.

STRATEGIES THAT DO WORK, AND WHY

  • Give choices that allow you to maintain control as the parent, while empowering the child. For example, ask if they’d like to do their homework at the kitchen table or on a pillow on the living room floor. By approaching the child this way, you can often distract them from willful disruption and obstinacy.
  • Be discrete when discussing matters with the child. Feeling backed into a corner, publicly shamed or teased is likely to trigger a negative, possibly violent reaction.
  • Rely upon natural consequences which are best for all children including those with RAD. Always use a neutral or empathetic tone and keep it as simple as possible.
  • Side-step power struggles by showing empathy, but not engaging in endless arguments which are usually counterproductive. The child is likely to capitalize on any discussion to thwart the rules. They also may use it as an excuse to escalate the situation.
  • Be prepared to remove yourself from the situation if you cannot cope. The extreme behaviors of kids with RAD can be extremely frustrating, overwhelming, and hurtful. It’s normal to feel emotional, but when you lose your cool, the child is in control.

None of these strategies are a magic bullet, but especially for kids on the mild end of the spectrum, you may be surprised by how successful they are. And even for kids on the more severe end of the spectrum, they are a way forward.

CHANGING YOUR GOALS AND PRIORITIES

If your child is on the more severe end of the spectrum, and especially as they move into the teen years, therapeutic parenting will not be enough. You may need to re-evaluate your priorities and goals.

To start with, you don’t need to “fix” your child’s RAD. You don’t need to teach them the consequences of their actions. You don’t need to get them into college.

For many RAD parents, getting the child to 18 while keeping everyone safe, is enough. That alone is a monumental success.

This takes a significant mindset shift, but can greatly impact how we address situations with our child.

Let’s look at an example.

“My daughter was vaping in the school bathroom. She got caught but the school isn’t suspending her!! She sweet talked the principal and is getting a second chance. I’m going to call the school and demand that she be treated like every other student. She needs consequences to learn.”

To start with, in principle, I totally agree with this parent. However, in practice, I do not. And that’s where we need to live as RAD parents—what works in practice, not in principle.

Let me ask you this, will this child actually learn from the consequence of being suspended from school? Will they stop vaping?

Very unlikely on both counts.

If anything, they’ll use this as a future way to get out of school whenever they like. The child will not care that they have been suspended. They may even be happy about it.

On the other hand, any suspension will have consequences for the rest of the family. Here’s the reality of what this suspension may actually look like:

  • You will have to take time off from work to monitor the child
  • You will spend all day absolutely miserable, tortured by their behavior
  • Your other children will be trapped in the resulting toxic home environment

If the suspension isn’t going to teach the child and it will only be a punishment for the rest of the family, it’s time to reevaluate.

How might our response be different if we have more pragmatic parenting goals? These may be some realistic, pragmatic parenting goals:

  • Help my child get their high school diploma, fairly earned or not (this will make them more likely to be successful and independent at 18)
  • Protect my other kids in the home from primary and secondary trauma
  • Protect my own mental health and stay in a place where I won’t do something I regret

With these pragmatic goals, I’d be calling the principal to thank her for not suspending my child. In fact, I’d be using my child’s IEP to contest a suspension on the basis that the behavior was related to their disability.

How about chores? If you’ve been asking your child to take out the trash for months—years—and they still refuse, it’s time to rethink that too. First, accept that they’re never going to comply. Second, realize that every time you ask, you are picking up that rope in the tug-of-war they want to engage you in. Finally, you’re creating an opportunity for them to humiliate you with non-compliance. That doesn’t make sense if there’s no real hope of the child ever complying anyway.

As a fellow parent of a child with RAD, I know this is a hard pill to swallow. I know this is bad parenting advice—bad advice if you had adequate tools and supports for caring for a child with a severe mental health condition. But parents of kids with RAD don’t have that.

You don’t have the tools to do the job. And, so, you’re going to have to hold your nose and make the best of the bad choices you’ve got available to you. You must be pragmatic about what you can do and remember that the physical and mental well-being of the whole family matters, including yours.

This is an excerpt from the book Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The Essential Guide for Parents

Parenting advice

YouTube: Do kids with RAD misbehave on purpose?

Do kids with RAD misbehave on purpose?

Great to share with family and friends who don’t “get it” and are second guessing your parenting!

For neglected and abused children who are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), insecurity, fear, and hurt are stamped on the very core of their being—even if they only act this out unconsciously. Their brains are ‘stuck’ in survival mode and as a result everything is about control because they’re afraid, anxious, and uncertain about the world around them and their caregivers.

The child is usually not aware of why they are acting the way they are and is acting out of subconscious trauma-based feelings. Because of this, therapist say that our kids are not purposely misbehaving. But any parent of a child with RAD knows this is simply not true. These behaviors can be both subconsciously motivated and purposeful.

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Parenting advice

RAD… or just “normal” teenager stuff?

Parenting a teenager is hard. And…parenting a teenager who has RAD is even harder.

Here’s the thing—sometimes we blame RAD when our teen is actually acting on par with their peers. For example, you might be frustrated with your RAD teen’s chronically messy bedroom and unmade bed, and blame RAD. You find a pizza box in their dresser drawer with half eaten pizza and say in exasperation: “That’s RAD!”

But, no. This is totally normal teenage behavior. In fact, I once found a half eaten pizza in my kid’s dresser drawer—and it was my birth son who doesn’t have RAD.

The Baltimore Sun calls this messy bedroom issue an “age-old impasse between teens and parents.” Their parenting experts suggest that we ignore the mess whenever we can. This is often the best approach with our RAD kids too. And, it’s easier if we can recognize it for what it is: normal teenager behavior. Of course, there are cases where RAD compounds this issue; for example, when our kid is collecting feces and urine in their bedroom. That IS a RAD thing and can’t be handled in traditional ways.

RAD can exacerbate normal teenage behavior or make it harder for parents to manage. Some of the behaviors can also be more dangerous for RAD kids who are particularly vulnerable due to their poor impulse control, under developed cause and effect thinking, propensity for risk taking, and lack of close relationships with adults they can go to for help. Still, it’s important to know the difference between normal teen stuff and RAD so we don’t lose perspective and we can better temper our expectations.

Below is a list of normal  behaviors teenagers commonly engage in. I’m not condoning them or necessarily passing moral judgement. I’m not suggesting you ignore them with your RAD kids. However, very high percentages of teenagers engage in these behaviors and only a tiny percentage of teens have RAD. I’m simply pointing out that these behaviors, in themselves, are not RAD.

Having a messy bedroom – Messy bedrooms, including food in drawers, unmade beds, uncleaned bathrooms, and mountains of dirty laundry are part of the teenage lifestyle. The Baltimore Sun calls this an “age-old impasse between teens and parents.”

Vaping – According to the CDC, 1 in 5 high school students have vaped in the last month. This is easier for kids to access than other substances and easier to conceal from teachers and parents.

Having a secret phone – 95% of teens have access to a smart phone according to Pew Research Center. Teens see their phones as an extension of themselves and when they are taken away they are very clever in finding ways around the punishment or they get a secret phone.

Watching porn and sexting – By age 18, 93% of boys and 62% of girls have been exposed to porn. Even more frightening are the statistics around sexting, sending sexually explicit texts. 1 in 4 teens are receiving sexts. 1 in 10 are forwarding sexts without consent which can have serious consequences including being placed on the sex registry list.

Having no motivation – Unlike generations of the past, today’s teenagers seem unmotivated to get jobs, drive, or move out of mom and dad’s house. According to USA Today, teens aren’t eager to get their driver’s license. Thanks in part to the pandemic, it’s become socially acceptable for kids to stay longer and longer in their childhood homes (New York Times).

Self-diagnosing mental health– One of the latest fads for teens is to diagnose themselves with bipolar, depression, an eating disorder, or any other myriad of conditions. And they don’t usually want treatment. This dangerous social trend seems to have begun with TikTok videos. Teenagers are doing this for a variety of reasons ranging from being in crisis and unable to access mental health resources to seeking attention.

Grappling with gender – One recent study in Pennsylvania found that 1 in 10 teens identify as gender diverse. A Gallup poll found that 1 in 6 GenZ adults identify as LGBT and with today’s teenagers this number is on the rise. This teenage generation has embraced gender and sexual diversity like no other before it.

Gaming – The highest risk for video game addiction is for males aged 18-24. Research shows that young people spend more than eight hours online for entertainment (including gaming) every day. This is such a growing problem that the World Health Organization has added Gaming Disorder to their International Classification of disorders.

Addiction to Social media – According to one academic study teens use social media apps over 7.7 hours per day and 46% of them say they are “constantly” online. TikTok, SnapChat, and Instagram are the favorite apps for teens. Being addicted to social media is not only something normal for teenagers but for our whole society.

This is an excellent article on the hallmarks of this generation: Is This Normal? My Teens’ Gen Z Characteristics & Slow Adolescent Development

Parenting advice, Tips to navigate "the System"

Reimagining Success as a RAD Parent #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Reimagining Success as a RAD Parent

Keri Williams, author and advocate

Highlights & Take Aways

  • Success begins with getting everyone’s head above water. Depending on your situation and child, this alone may be all you can do.
  • With RAD kids you’re not going to be successful if your goal is to help them live up to their potential. The disorder is too dysregulating for our kids to tap into their gifts and talents right now. And given the control symptomology of RAD, they probably don’t want to live up to their potential right now.
  • Goals as a RAD parent must encompass the whole family, not just child with RAD.
  • In the day-to-day, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this something I’m willing to sacrifice my other kids for?” Remember, consequences and rewards don’t work for RAD kids on the moderate and severe end of the spectrum.
  • For most kids with RAD, the best way forward is to keep them in school. If they sweet talk the principal out of a suspension, let it go. That suspension wouldn’t teach them anything and would only be a punishment for the rest of the family.
  • Kids with RAD aren’t going to learn from failing classes or being retained. That’s only going to make them less likely to be independent and out of your house at 18. It may feel incredibly unjust, but let the school promote them through if they will.
  • Get an IEP with a behavioral plan so your child can have modifications and legal protections against suspensions and expulsions.
  • If your goal is to keep your child in RTF, you do not want to be a “problem parent.” If you are, they’ll likely find a way to discharge your child or be suspicious of you and raise the risk of them reporting you to CPS.
  • Having felony charges will be a major barrier to your child ever being independent (felonies lead to lifelong issues with housing, employment, public assistance – all of which our kids on the severe end of the spectrum will almost certainly need). Carefully consider if pressing charges makes sense.
  • The traditional parenting goal of helping our kids live up to their potential doesn’t apply – the disorder is too dysregulating for our kids to tap into their gifts and talents and they probably don’t want to live up to their potential right now.
  • Especially if they are violent, having them view you as the enemy can literally put you and your other children in danger. Find ways to pull back and build good will with your child.

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Keri Williams, author and advocate

Keri Williams is a foster and adoptive parent who has spent over a decade navigating the mental health system on behalf of her children. She advocates for reforms in the mental health system to better serve our society’s vulnerable children and the families who care for them. She’s a passionate supporter of adoption when adoptive parents are informed and supported. Keri is the author of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The Essential Guide for Parents and But, He Spit in my Coffee: A reads-like-fiction memoir about adopting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder(RAD). She holds the IndieReader Best First Book award for her memoir. Keri lives in North Carolina and has five children including two who are adopted out of foster care.

Parenting advice

Glass Children: The Impact of RAD on Siblings #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Glass Children: The Impact of RAD on Siblings

Monica Badgley, RAD Sibs with a panel of young people

Highlights & Take Aways

  • See Them: Help them recognize their value apart from their sibling with RAD
  • When your bonded child comes to you with a hurt, don’t listen for the facts of what happened. Trauma minds don’t always remember all the details. What they’re really saying is that they were blamed for something their RAD sibling did and the details don’t matter.
  • Bonded children who grow up with RAD siblings need to process their trauma so they don’t bring it into their own future families.
  • Bonded kids often come to have this mission to help their parents with the RAD kid. They aren’t able to rest in their role as a kid and they grow up quickly. As parents we need to be mindful that our child sees themselves as a teammate.         
  • As parents we have to learn how to set our bonded kids free. It’s not their job to protect us and to take care of their RAD sibling.
  • Bonded kids with RAD siblings also can develop amazing skills of independence, resilience, self-sufficiency, and the ability to find the silver lining.
  • A lot of bonded kids with RAD siblings use humor to cope.
  • In a household that is high pressure kids can start to shut down. Arts can help kids to express themselves, feel and heal.
  • When our kids expose how they are feeling it is their way of decompressing. Even if you feel that you have no idea what to “do,” that doesn’t matter. Just let them talk. Talking allows them to process their feelings which is the step to healing.
  • Having alarms on your RAD kids door can help your other kids cope if they are afraid at night.
  • Your bonded children can also benefit from fidget toys and a safe place.
  • After you are finished managing a rage be sure to check in on the other kids and make sure they’re okay. Let them know that they’re not a burden.

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Monica Badgley, RAD Sibs

Monica Badgley is on a mission to create a community of support for siblings of those with RAD. After several years of focusing on her children with RAD, Monica’s eyes were opened to the traumatic impact it was having on her child without RAD. To bring a platform to these often overlooked children, Monica founded RAD Sibs, an organization supporting siblings of people with RAD, helping them to feel less isolated and no longer seen through like “glass children.” RAD Sibs offers community and validation through Sib Shops, videos, interviews, and encouraging mail.

Find Monica at RADSibs

Parenting advice

Determining What You Have Left as a Family and Ideas to Move Forward #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Determining What You Have Left as a Family and Ideas to Move Forward

Carrie O’Toole, , M.A., board-certified Christian life coach

Highlights & Take Aways

Carrie is our people and we are her people. After struggling with infertility, she and her husband created a family of two adopted children and one birth child. Their youngest, Sam, they adopted from Vietnam at the age of 3 ½. Their long journey through special-ed, hospitalizations, and multiple diagnoses including RAD ended with relinquishing Sam for adoption into another family. After suffering devastating judgement from the people she thought would support her, Carrie has devoted her life to being there to support other families who find themselves grappling with these difficult situations.

  • We’re told all we need is love by churches, agencies, therapists, and our families but that’s not true. Love cannot cure trauma.
  • Some families are damaged beyond the point of recovery.
  • Moms of children with RAD do develop PTSD.
  • We all believe adoption is forever, but sometimes that’s not what is best for the child or the family.
  • When considering if your child should continue living in the home you have to think about yourself, your other kids, your marriage, etc. It’s not just your child with RAD. Consider,
    • Do you have the finances? Do you have the emotional support?
    • How traumatized is everyone in the family, especially mom? Sometimes mom can’t recover from her trauma with the child in the home. It’s very hard to heal PTSD with the child who is triggering you in the home.
    • This is true for the child too. If you’ve become the “nurturing enemy” mom, it’s very hard for them to heal in the home.
  • Living with a RAD sibling has significant impact on siblings. In partnership with RAD Sibs, Carrie offers groups, support, and curriculum for siblings.
  • Parents/former parents of kids with RAD can be amazing respite providers because they understand RAD and we know that kids with RAD won’t do it to us.

Carrie offers resources through Carrie O’Toole Ministries including a faith-based Relinquished Retreat to help parents process trauma and grief related to trauma, adoption, and relinquishment. This retreat is not only for parents who have already relinquished. It’s for anyone who has put their children in out of home care or who is considering it.

Sign up for the mailing list so you don’t miss out on #NAVRAD23

Carrie O’Toole, M.A., board-certified Christian life coach

Carrie works as a coach, helping other struggling adoptive parents to heal from their own grief and trauma. She helps parents through coaching, her book, Relinquished: When Love Means Letting Go, documentary film, Forfeiting Sanity, the Relinquished Retreat for Parents, blogs, and podcasts.

Find Carrie at Carrie O’Toole Ministries

Parenting advice

“Why Am I Feeling Crazy?”: The Life of RAD Parenting” #NavRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

“Why am I feeling crazy?”: The Life of RAD Parenting

Forrest Lien of Lifespan Trauma Consulting

Highlights & Takeaways

  • To understand RAD we need to understand Erik Erikson’s attachment cycle theory. Kids with RAD have disrupted development prior to the age of 3 and their need to survive is locked in. Our RAD kids are locked in an arousal state because they learn at a young age from abuse and/or neglect that that creates more safety for them than dissociation (neglect often can be more profound than physical abuse).
  • Bonded kids want to please you, but RAD kids don’t have that connection with you, so lying and stealing become part of their toolbox for control. “Lying and stealing” is a developmental delay in the attachment.
  • Traditional residential treatment programs don’t make kids with RAD “family kids.” When behavior modification is the model, kids are following the rules for rewards not in order to go home. Those facilities are staffed with newbie social workers and therapists and our children are exposed to other kids with similar behaviors and issues.
  • Can we “fix” a kid with RAD? It depends on how severe It is and how empty they are.
  • We can’t treat the RAD unless we treat the mental illness first (such as bipolar and mood disorders).
  • There is no pill that is going to fix RAD. Medications can regulate the brain—make kids more clear in their thinking and calm—and we can treat them. Unfortunately, it sometimes creates a more clear thinking and calm RAD kid.
  • If kids with RAD don’t want to learn, they’re not going to. Parents shouldn’t work harder than their kids on their life.
  • The cuter and smarter the RAD kid, the harder they are to treat. These children can be very sophisticated in grooming the adults around them.
  • Here’s how moms of kids with RAD get PTSD: repeated rejections from the RAD kid, relentless control battles, losing your friends/spouse, becoming isolated without support.
  • Dads need to believe their spouse. This doesn’t mean that moms don’t sometimes respond badly, but that needs to be put in context. RAD kids can make moms crazy.

I’m so thankful for Forrest, one of the few professionals who really “gets it” and is supporting and advocating for our families.

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Forrest Lien, LCSW, Lifespan Trauma Consulting founder/owner

Over his career, Forrest has avidly shared his expertise to advance the field of trauma. He has consulted with 20/20, HBO, and The Today Show and has presented at over 300 workshops internationally on the effects of early trauma including at the Mayo Clinic.

As founder and owner of Lifespan Trauma Consulting, Forrest continues his legacy of highly sought-after training, program development, and advocacy for families and their children with reactive attachment disorder.

Parenting advice, Resources

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) visualization: Restoring empathy

Here’s a meditation from Chel Hamilton created especially for RAD moms to help us recenter and return to that place where we can view our child’s challenging behaviors through the lens of their trauma. Chel walks us through a powerful visualization exercise to restore our empathy, a feeling that is so easily worn away by the daily struggles we face with our child.

Parenting advice

Tips to survive parenting a child with RAD as an introvert

Being the the parent of a child who has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as an introvert can be incredibly challenging. Our child’s needs and the extensive interactions we have with service providers leave us drained and unable to recharge. Most days we don’t even have five minutes to ourselves and are bombarded with constant, mostly unpleasant stimuli. By understanding our strengths and needs as introverts, we can better parent our children and better care for our own mental health.

What is an introvert?

We think of the extrovert as the life of the party while the introvert curls up on their couch with a novel. In truth, the extrovert-introvert personality trait exists on a continuum.

These are some common qualities introverts share: 

  • Prefer calm, less stimulating environments
  • Introspective, reflective, and self-aware
  • Need to prepare to spend time in groups and crowds
  • Enjoy small, close circles of friends
  • Lose energy in social settings 
  • Need to spend time alone to recharge
  • Prefer to write/text instead of talking

Being an introvert is often confused with being shy or socially anxious and some introverts do have these personality traits. However, there are many introverts who are not shy and are not socially anxious. 

Playing to your strengths

First, as a fellow introvert, let me say, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. In fact, one recent study found that introverts are more likely to be successful CEOs. That’s great news for parents of kids with RAD because we sure have our hands full!

So, let’s start by looking at 3 ways we can play to our strengths to be more successful in our role advocating for our children.

  1. Family-team meetings and therapy sessions are full of non-verbal communication and layers of context. TIME Magazine compares an introvert’s observation skills to a “superpower.” As an introvert you have the advantage of excellent observation skills and intuition to gain insight into these highly charged situations and navigate them safely and more effectively.
  2. Frustration, anger, outrage – big emotions – often lead to words we all wish we could take back. When working with service providers this is especially true. Introverts tend to think before they speak and choose their words wisely. Your introvert’s quiet nature is a huge advantage because it will help you be more cautions in your interactions and make you less likely to speak off the cuff.
  3. RAD is a nuanced disorder and untangling any situation with your child, a therapist, CPS person, or teacher can be seemingly impossible. “For an introvert, [active listening] is a natural way of being.”  As an introvert your natural listening skills are a big advantage to enable you to understand what each person is saying and better communicate.

You are your child’s best advocate, and remember that you you bring a lot to the table specifically because you are an introvert.

Tending to your needs

People with introverted personality types have two very specific needs:

  1. They need to mentally prepare for socialization
  2. They need regular alone time to recharge

Our child, their therapist, the parade of service providers, endless appointments, and dealing with extreme behaviors — make meeting these needs impossible. This leads to introverted parents quickly spiraling into depression and hopelessness. They literally have no energy left to draw from because they are running on empty. There is no silver bullet solution and in some cases you may need to consider if RTF is an option. But, there are some ways you can prioritize your needs to protect your mental health and enable you to better meet the needs of your child.

Here are a few simple ideas that worked for me:

  • Start each day with some alone time (even if it’s 5 minutes before you wake up the kids).
  • Use soothing techniques like a deep-breathing exercise or a calming meditation.
  • Pick your battles – know your limits. If letting the kids watch TV gives you some alone time, I say go for it. 
  • Create boundaries with service providers (ask that they schedule all calls ahead of time, or at least text to ask if you’re available before calling).
  • Ask for time to review any documents before you sign them – even if it’s just to buy you time to process the meeting you just had.
  • Take a coffee or soda to meetings so you can take a sip to give you a few seconds to gather your thoughts or get through an awkward moment.
  • Leverage emails. Write notes before phone calls and meetings. Practice, practice, practice.

What has worked for other parents:

“I commandeered a room in our house as ‘mine.’ I give notice before going in that they need to get what they need from me before the door closes. If I’m in there with the door closed, I’m off limits … usually doing yoga or meditating. However, it only works if they’re sleeping (i.e. 5am or 10pm) or if my husband is home.” – Thanks to Allison for this tip!

Are you an introvert? What other ideas do you have for leveraging our strengths and prioritizing our needs while parenting a child with RAD?

Remember to focus on the amazing strengths you bring to the table as an introvert and look for creative ways to meet your needs.