Tag: #NavRAD22

Parenting advice, Tips to navigate "the System"

Reimagining Success as a RAD Parent #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Reimagining Success as a RAD Parent

Keri Williams, author and advocate

Highlights & Take Aways

  • Success begins with getting everyone’s head above water. Depending on your situation and child, this alone may be all you can do.
  • With RAD kids you’re not going to be successful if your goal is to help them live up to their potential. The disorder is too dysregulating for our kids to tap into their gifts and talents right now. And given the control symptomology of RAD, they probably don’t want to live up to their potential right now.
  • Goals as a RAD parent must encompass the whole family, not just child with RAD.
  • In the day-to-day, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this something I’m willing to sacrifice my other kids for?” Remember, consequences and rewards don’t work for RAD kids on the moderate and severe end of the spectrum.
  • For most kids with RAD, the best way forward is to keep them in school. If they sweet talk the principal out of a suspension, let it go. That suspension wouldn’t teach them anything and would only be a punishment for the rest of the family.
  • Kids with RAD aren’t going to learn from failing classes or being retained. That’s only going to make them less likely to be independent and out of your house at 18. It may feel incredibly unjust, but let the school promote them through if they will.
  • Get an IEP with a behavioral plan so your child can have modifications and legal protections against suspensions and expulsions.
  • If your goal is to keep your child in RTF, you do not want to be a “problem parent.” If you are, they’ll likely find a way to discharge your child or be suspicious of you and raise the risk of them reporting you to CPS.
  • Having felony charges will be a major barrier to your child ever being independent (felonies lead to lifelong issues with housing, employment, public assistance – all of which our kids on the severe end of the spectrum will almost certainly need). Carefully consider if pressing charges makes sense.
  • The traditional parenting goal of helping our kids live up to their potential doesn’t apply – the disorder is too dysregulating for our kids to tap into their gifts and talents and they probably don’t want to live up to their potential right now.
  • Especially if they are violent, having them view you as the enemy can literally put you and your other children in danger. Find ways to pull back and build good will with your child.

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Keri Williams, author and advocate

Keri Williams is a foster and adoptive parent who has spent over a decade navigating the mental health system on behalf of her children. She advocates for reforms in the mental health system to better serve our society’s vulnerable children and the families who care for them. She’s a passionate supporter of adoption when adoptive parents are informed and supported. Keri is the author of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The Essential Guide for Parents and But, He Spit in my Coffee: A reads-like-fiction memoir about adopting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder(RAD). She holds the IndieReader Best First Book award for her memoir. Keri lives in North Carolina and has five children including two who are adopted out of foster care.

Stories from other parents

A Chat about the Reality and Strategies Through the Hard Work of RAD #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Looking Back: A Chat about the Reality and Strategies Through the Hard Work of RAD

Tracey Poffenroth Prato, RADTalk Podcast

Highlights & Take Aways

Tracey began by sharing the story of how she and her husband adopted siblings, ages 2 and 9 years, not knowing both had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). After years of intense struggle to parent these children and fighting her way back from the lowest of lows, Tracey is now offering hope and support through the RAD Talk podcast, coaching, and retreats.

Tracey interviewed adoptee, Anderina, who was diagnosed with RAD as a child but is now thriving as young adult. Anderina shared these insights into the disorder from her personal experience as a RAD kid.

  • What made her want to change:
    • Anderina’s change began to happen when she saw oher kids at school having a fun, normal life and wanted it for herself.She came to trust her parents after they were consistent for a long period of time.
    • She says, “For me it was a choice. I had to get to a point where I wanted a happy, better life.”
  • What helped her heal:
    • Neurofeedback was very helpful in processing emotions. However, because it got Anderina working through her emotions, it caused her behavior to escalate. She didn’t feel comfortable with feelings or being vulnerable.
    • Working with one particular therapist was pivotal because that therapist didn’t let Anderina off the hook.
  • How is she different today:
    • Anderina likes herself and is her authentic self
    • She has friendships and positive relationships with her family
    • She still struggles with intimacy and vulnerability, but believes this isn’t necessarily RAD. She points out that many people have these struggles.

To hear Anderina’s story, listen to RAD Talk Podcast Episode #39: A RAD “Kid” Recovered and She Plans to Help Other Kids Just Like Her.

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Tracey Poffenroth Prato, RADTalk Podcast

Tracey Poffenroth Prato is a personal development coach and founder/host of the RAD Talk With Tracey podcast. Tracey knows all about the highs and lows that come with being a RAD parent. She’s been there, done that! Tracey helps you navigate through your experience and shows you how to step back into your power and move forward. Tracey started coaching because of her passion and skill to help people in crisis. She understands RAD parents and connects with their struggle in a way no one else does. Tracey also started a podcast to raise awareness about RAD, create a community for RAD families, and give RAD parents a safe place to connect and share their stories.

Find Tracey at RADTalk with Tracey

Tips to navigate "the System"

Seeking Alternative Placement When Home Isn’t Working #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Seeking Alternative Placement When Home Isn’t Working

Scott Smith, Best Choice Admissions

Highlights & Takeaways

Best Choice Admissions is a free service for parents that helps find the right therapeutic school for your child.

  • It’s not failure when you need more help. Allowing the child to continue to fail at home is not a way forward. There is no treading water with RAD. The entire family is being damaged.
  • When considering if out of home placement is right for you:
    • Ask yourself if you have heart strings to your child? If you don’t have heart strings you probably aren’t going to be able to effectively manage them.
    • The difference between and extreme and a mild situation is usually how long a parent waits to get help.
    • Doesn’t matter how good of a parent you are: You cannot watch them 24 hours a day, you cannot force them to change, you cannot put the rest of the family at risk.
  • These are signs your child may need placement:
    • When everything you try doesn’t workWhen it’s effecting the whole home and siblingsWhen your child is no longer participating in receiving helpWhen illegal drug use is consider acceptableWhen parents cannot keep the children safe from risky behaviors
    • When medications are unmanageable
  • Placement should not be a scare tactic. This is not a punishment, it is when your child needs more help.
  • How do I find the right program? Internet reviews and survivor pages don’t tell the whole story about a facility. This is why a service like Best Choice Admissions can be helpful.
  • Best Choice Admissions is funded by the programs they represent and offer their services to parents free of choice. They do not work off a commission. They will inform you of any discounts the program is offering.
  • The programs cost between $500 and $18,000 per month. The average cost is $8,000 per month. This is paid for by insurance, fundraising, or out of pocket. Insurance coverage typically is only available short term.
  • Best Choice Admissions does have some free resource opportunities, but there are waiting lists. They also can refer you to financial assistance options.
  • Parents do what is best for their child not necessarily what their child wants.

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Scott Smith, Best Choice Admissions

As an admissions director of a large boarding school for struggling teens for nearly a decade, Scott understands the benefits and struggles with alternative placements. Today, he leads the Best Choice Admissions team, visits schools across the nation, and helps parents to find the right program the first time and within their budget.

BestChoiceNetwork.com

Parenting advice

Glass Children: The Impact of RAD on Siblings #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Glass Children: The Impact of RAD on Siblings

Monica Badgley, RAD Sibs with a panel of young people

Highlights & Take Aways

  • See Them: Help them recognize their value apart from their sibling with RAD
  • When your bonded child comes to you with a hurt, don’t listen for the facts of what happened. Trauma minds don’t always remember all the details. What they’re really saying is that they were blamed for something their RAD sibling did and the details don’t matter.
  • Bonded children who grow up with RAD siblings need to process their trauma so they don’t bring it into their own future families.
  • Bonded kids often come to have this mission to help their parents with the RAD kid. They aren’t able to rest in their role as a kid and they grow up quickly. As parents we need to be mindful that our child sees themselves as a teammate.         
  • As parents we have to learn how to set our bonded kids free. It’s not their job to protect us and to take care of their RAD sibling.
  • Bonded kids with RAD siblings also can develop amazing skills of independence, resilience, self-sufficiency, and the ability to find the silver lining.
  • A lot of bonded kids with RAD siblings use humor to cope.
  • In a household that is high pressure kids can start to shut down. Arts can help kids to express themselves, feel and heal.
  • When our kids expose how they are feeling it is their way of decompressing. Even if you feel that you have no idea what to “do,” that doesn’t matter. Just let them talk. Talking allows them to process their feelings which is the step to healing.
  • Having alarms on your RAD kids door can help your other kids cope if they are afraid at night.
  • Your bonded children can also benefit from fidget toys and a safe place.
  • After you are finished managing a rage be sure to check in on the other kids and make sure they’re okay. Let them know that they’re not a burden.

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Monica Badgley, RAD Sibs

Monica Badgley is on a mission to create a community of support for siblings of those with RAD. After several years of focusing on her children with RAD, Monica’s eyes were opened to the traumatic impact it was having on her child without RAD. To bring a platform to these often overlooked children, Monica founded RAD Sibs, an organization supporting siblings of people with RAD, helping them to feel less isolated and no longer seen through like “glass children.” RAD Sibs offers community and validation through Sib Shops, videos, interviews, and encouraging mail.

Find Monica at RADSibs

Parenting advice

Determining What You Have Left as a Family and Ideas to Move Forward #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Determining What You Have Left as a Family and Ideas to Move Forward

Carrie O’Toole, , M.A., board-certified Christian life coach

Highlights & Take Aways

Carrie is our people and we are her people. After struggling with infertility, she and her husband created a family of two adopted children and one birth child. Their youngest, Sam, they adopted from Vietnam at the age of 3 ½. Their long journey through special-ed, hospitalizations, and multiple diagnoses including RAD ended with relinquishing Sam for adoption into another family. After suffering devastating judgement from the people she thought would support her, Carrie has devoted her life to being there to support other families who find themselves grappling with these difficult situations.

  • We’re told all we need is love by churches, agencies, therapists, and our families but that’s not true. Love cannot cure trauma.
  • Some families are damaged beyond the point of recovery.
  • Moms of children with RAD do develop PTSD.
  • We all believe adoption is forever, but sometimes that’s not what is best for the child or the family.
  • When considering if your child should continue living in the home you have to think about yourself, your other kids, your marriage, etc. It’s not just your child with RAD. Consider,
    • Do you have the finances? Do you have the emotional support?
    • How traumatized is everyone in the family, especially mom? Sometimes mom can’t recover from her trauma with the child in the home. It’s very hard to heal PTSD with the child who is triggering you in the home.
    • This is true for the child too. If you’ve become the “nurturing enemy” mom, it’s very hard for them to heal in the home.
  • Living with a RAD sibling has significant impact on siblings. In partnership with RAD Sibs, Carrie offers groups, support, and curriculum for siblings.
  • Parents/former parents of kids with RAD can be amazing respite providers because they understand RAD and we know that kids with RAD won’t do it to us.

Carrie offers resources through Carrie O’Toole Ministries including a faith-based Relinquished Retreat to help parents process trauma and grief related to trauma, adoption, and relinquishment. This retreat is not only for parents who have already relinquished. It’s for anyone who has put their children in out of home care or who is considering it.

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Carrie O’Toole, M.A., board-certified Christian life coach

Carrie works as a coach, helping other struggling adoptive parents to heal from their own grief and trauma. She helps parents through coaching, her book, Relinquished: When Love Means Letting Go, documentary film, Forfeiting Sanity, the Relinquished Retreat for Parents, blogs, and podcasts.

Find Carrie at Carrie O’Toole Ministries

Tips to navigate "the System"

Co-existing Disorders with RAD and their Effective Medical Treatment #NAVRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

Co-existing Disorders with RAD and their Effective Medical Treatment

Dr. John F. Alston, MD

Highlights & Takeaways

  • The fatal flaw in the overall treatment of RAD is with psychiatric interventions and medications.
  • The most common co-morbidity in children with RAD is childhood bipolar but it is often misdiagnosed as other disorders including PTSD.
  • There is a high likelihood kids with RAD have an inherited mental health disorder.
    • Normal biological parents do not create abusive circumstances for their children. Most abusive biological parents abuse methamphetamines, are ages 18-25, and they don’t want to stop. Up to 70% of people with substance abuse have coexisting mental illness. Up to 70% of people with bipolar disorder abuse substances.
    • Bipolar is an inherited mood disorder that affects 3-5% of the population. It is the most likely inherited disorder children with RAD have. They also may have antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or paranoid schizophrenia (very rare).
  • If your RAD kid has coexisting childhood bipolar, antidepressants will have an adverse effect. Kids with childhood bipolar often get misdiagnosed with PTSD. A key indicator of misdiagnosis is a child who truly has PTSD should be overly compliant not defiant. Kids are prescribed antidepressants for PTSD. However, when the PTSD is a misdiagnosis and the child has bipolar, the antidepressants will accentuate rapid cycling (according to 20 of 21 studies)
  • Stimulants will have an adverse effect on your RAD kid. Kids with bipolar often get misdiagnosed with ADHD and prescribed stimulants. Probably no more than 10% of kids with RAD also have ADHD. Stimulants will exacerbate the RAD symptoms and even for a correct ADHD should be the last not first prescribed medication.
  • Mood stabilizing medications work very well for RAD kids. The most often prescribed mood stabilizers are Depakote and Lithium which are effective, but can cause massive even life-threatening side effects. In Dr. Alston’s practice he looked to these as much safer alternatives: Lamictal (10% skin rash side effect, slow to take effect). Trileptal which is not FDA approved as a mood stabilizer.
  • Atypical antipsychotic medications work very well for RAD kids but need to be given in adequate doses. Many clinicians give sub-therapeutic dosages and then discontinue usage when it doesn’t work. Also parents tend to ask for the lowest effective dose assuming the dose can be the minimum. Many RAD kids with bipolar are moderately to substantially mentally ill and need substantially higher dosages to get and stay better.
  • Medications, potentially lifelong, are an opportunity for our children to have a full, functioning life. This is because medications treat the genetic root cause of the illness. Appropriate medications and dosages help dysregulated and behaviorally disturbed kids feel better about themselves, help them think more clearly, and help them to be more likely to coexist peacefully in their families. Medications help everybody – the child, the family, and the community.

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Dr. John F. Alston, psychiatrist

Dr. John F. Alston, MD is a child, adolescent, family, and adult psychiatrist. He has a significant national reputation within the attachment community. He has evaluated and treated over 3,000 patients with disruptive behavioral disorders associated with early life abuse and neglect. Dr. Alston has published several articles in medical journals and a book chapter emphasizing the co-existence of childhood mood disorders, especially bipolar disorder with reactive attachment disorder.

Parenting advice

“Why Am I Feeling Crazy?”: The Life of RAD Parenting” #NavRAD22

I’m in Atlanta at the Navigating RAD 22 conference with RAD Advocates this weekend. For those of you who couldn’t make it, this is your place for the highlights from the amazing speakers!

“Why am I feeling crazy?”: The Life of RAD Parenting

Forrest Lien of Lifespan Trauma Consulting

Highlights & Takeaways

  • To understand RAD we need to understand Erik Erikson’s attachment cycle theory. Kids with RAD have disrupted development prior to the age of 3 and their need to survive is locked in. Our RAD kids are locked in an arousal state because they learn at a young age from abuse and/or neglect that that creates more safety for them than dissociation (neglect often can be more profound than physical abuse).
  • Bonded kids want to please you, but RAD kids don’t have that connection with you, so lying and stealing become part of their toolbox for control. “Lying and stealing” is a developmental delay in the attachment.
  • Traditional residential treatment programs don’t make kids with RAD “family kids.” When behavior modification is the model, kids are following the rules for rewards not in order to go home. Those facilities are staffed with newbie social workers and therapists and our children are exposed to other kids with similar behaviors and issues.
  • Can we “fix” a kid with RAD? It depends on how severe It is and how empty they are.
  • We can’t treat the RAD unless we treat the mental illness first (such as bipolar and mood disorders).
  • There is no pill that is going to fix RAD. Medications can regulate the brain—make kids more clear in their thinking and calm—and we can treat them. Unfortunately, it sometimes creates a more clear thinking and calm RAD kid.
  • If kids with RAD don’t want to learn, they’re not going to. Parents shouldn’t work harder than their kids on their life.
  • The cuter and smarter the RAD kid, the harder they are to treat. These children can be very sophisticated in grooming the adults around them.
  • Here’s how moms of kids with RAD get PTSD: repeated rejections from the RAD kid, relentless control battles, losing your friends/spouse, becoming isolated without support.
  • Dads need to believe their spouse. This doesn’t mean that moms don’t sometimes respond badly, but that needs to be put in context. RAD kids can make moms crazy.

I’m so thankful for Forrest, one of the few professionals who really “gets it” and is supporting and advocating for our families.

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Forrest Lien, LCSW, Lifespan Trauma Consulting founder/owner

Over his career, Forrest has avidly shared his expertise to advance the field of trauma. He has consulted with 20/20, HBO, and The Today Show and has presented at over 300 workshops internationally on the effects of early trauma including at the Mayo Clinic.

As founder and owner of Lifespan Trauma Consulting, Forrest continues his legacy of highly sought-after training, program development, and advocacy for families and their children with reactive attachment disorder.