Caregiver Safety After 18: What You Need to Know

Practical tools and strategies for parents of kids with aggressive behaviors transitioning into adulthood.

No one wants to talk about what it means to stay safe from your own child, even after they turn 18. But for parents like me — parents raising kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Conduct Disorder (CD), or other conditions tied to aggression — safety concerns can be part of daily life.

Often called child-on-parent violence (CPV), this issue is treated like a dirty secret. Friends don’t believe it. Therapists dismiss it. The legal system shrugs. You get judged. And the emotions are complicated too. It can feel like you’re accusing your child instead of simply telling the truth about what you’re living through.

Being the victim of CPV is much like being the victim of domestic violence: you feel isolated, conflicted, and stuck. Your options are limited, and every decision comes with trade-offs. After all, dog won’t protect you from someone it sees as family. An alarm system won’t help as much if the threat is someone you’ve invited in. And a restraining order is just paper — too easy to ignore, and with consequences that come too late.

You may be one of the parents who has already spent years grappling with this as your child grew into a bigger, stronger teen. Reaching 18 and moving out might feel like a relief, even a safe haven. But in reality, the danger doesn’t always end when your child becomes an adult and leaves home. In some cases, it gets worse. And resources are scarce because polite society rarely acknowledges CPV at all.

That’s why I’ve pulled together this article — to give you practical tools, strategies, and insights that can help you protect your peace and find a way forward. You’re not alone, and there are real steps you can take to increase safety and regain a sense of control.

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Time to Lean In

If you only take away one thing from this article, let it be this: It is time to be pragmatic.

When your child is angry at you, that’s when you’re most at risk. If they see you as their enemy, that risk only increases. The role you once played — correcting, teaching, making sure they faced natural consequences — only puts you in more danger. At this stage, it’s no longer your job to correct or discipline them. Your new priority is to keep the peace and avoid becoming the target of their anger.

I know this shift is hard. After everything you’ve been through, it’s normal to feel frustrated, resentful, even angry. In fact, you may be seeing 18 as a time to sever your relationship, but that’s not always the wisest choice. Having some connection — knowing where they are and what their mental state is — allows you to better protect yourself. It’s different for all of us, but for some it may mean avoiding hard conversations and keeping things positive but surface level. That’s okay. The rules of parenting change when safety is on the line.

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Three Practical Ways to Reduce Risk

1. Avoid contentious topics
Don’t question them about their job, their roommates, or the choices they make now that they’re out of your house. Keep it light. Share news about the family cat. Text them a funny meme. Keep it positive. If they ask for $10 for McDonald’s, consider just saying yes. This isn’t about enabling them. It’s about protecting your peace. That positive, surface-level connection buys you breathing room, keeps you in the know, and lowers your risk.

2. Pay for their cell phone
Many young adults cannot maintain phone service on their own. Rather than taking a tough-love approach, see this as a way to stay connected while positioning yourself as an ally. Phones are everything to young adults, so this gesture carries weight and builds goodwill like few other things will. And if you’re footing the bill, you can require location services to stay on. Use it only for your peace of mind to monitor if they are nearby you. If you use it to check up on them or question them, they’ll just turn it off.

3. Meet in public
Suggest a pizza place or fast-food restaurant instead of inviting them home. They will see this as a treat because you’re buying lunch and spending time together, positioning your relationship as a positive in their lives. It also adds a layer of immediate safety because public settings are more neutral and reduce the chance of escalation. If a situation does ensue, there are others present to help or call for help.

I know these strategies can feel counterintuitive, but you’re parenting in survival mode. There is no such thing as rewarding bad behavior when your goal is peace and safety. It is not enabling. It is strategic. In these situations, the win is not teaching a lesson — it is staying safe and avoiding escalation.

Keep in mind that not everyone will understand your choices, and that is okay. Most people have not lived what you have lived. Protect your mental health by not discussing or justifying your decisions to unsupportive family and friends. You don’t owe them explanations. You owe yourself peace.

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No Easy Answers

A shift in perspective to de-escalation and prioritizing your peace can lower the temperature and keep you safer, but that may not be enough. There are no easy answers, but you do have options.

The list below includes approaches other parents have tried. They will not work for everyone, and this is not a set of recommendations. Every family is different. State laws vary. Treat it like a toolkit — take what helps and leave the rest.

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🔒 Start with the basics
Make sure your doors and windows lock, and use them consistently. Routine is part of feeling safe. This step won’t stop every danger, but it sets a clear boundary and helps your nervous system relax. Most useful if your child shows up unexpectedly. Less useful if you regularly allow them inside, since locks only protect against someone outside.

🛑 Cameras and alarms
These won’t stop someone determined to get in, but they do buy you time. Cameras let you check before opening the door, and alarms alert you if someone is coming around when you’re not home. Especially useful for peace of mind and for knowing when to avoid contact. Less effective if your child is invited over regularly — for holidays, dinners, or visits — since alarms won’t prevent conflict once they’re inside. Some alarm systems do have a panic button which can be helpful in all scenarios.

🐕 Dogs
A bark can be an early warning system, giving you a few extra seconds to react. If you’re estranged, the presence of a dog may even be a deterrent. But once a dog knows your child, they may not offer reliable protection. Useful mostly as an alert system, not as a defense.

🕊️ De-escalation
You don’t win by being right — you win by staying safe. Do not correct, teach, or argue. Stay neutral. Once your child is over age 18, your peace and safety come first. De-escalation is useful in almost every interaction from text exchanges to in-person interactions. When you’re facing potential danger, staying calm, respecting personal space, and controlling your tone matter. Here are some examples: Top 10 De-Escalation Tips and the DHS’s De-Escalation guide.

🔑 Code words
A casual phrase like “Are you still on your way over?” can sound ordinary, but the person in the know will understand you need help. Best for situations where you feel uneasy but can still speak or text. Less useful if things escalate too quickly for you to communicate. Signal someone to come over early to provide distraction instead of to walk into a potentially volatile already escalated situation.

🏠 Set firm housing boundaries
Do not let your child move back in — no matter how dire their situation. Helping them with temporary housing is almost always a better option. Once they are under your roof, eviction laws may require 30 days’ notice, even if they’re not paying rent. This can leave you out of options and forced to temporarily move out of your own home during a messy, costly, and difficult eviction process.

📞 Calling 911
Always an option, but not always fast or trauma-informed. Keep your phone nearby and consider a panic button. Use this option only when you’re in immediate danger. If used too often in lower-risk situations, local responders may become dismissive, and your child may stop taking it seriously.

📄 Restraining orders
Unfortunately, these rarely stop someone bent on causing harm. They can even escalate tension. However, studies show protection orders are often violated and sometimes followed by worse events but can be useful depending on the circumstances. One positive is they create a paper trail, which can matter later if further action is needed. Consider them as documentation more than real protection.

🥋 Learn self-defense
Taking a self-defense class can be empowering. The goal isn’t to fight your child — it’s to give yourself the confidence and skills to protect yourself if you’re ever cornered or physically attacked. Even more important, practicing self-defense helps your body learn what to do under stress to reduce anxiety and help you feel more in control, not just in situations with your child but in daily life. For a helpful checklist of what makes a truly effective self-defense class, see What to Look for in a Self‑Defense Class (Campus Safety Magazine).

🧴 Chemical deterrent devices
If you choose to carry tools like pepper spray, mace, or a non-lethal launcher that fires chemical irritants, make sure you know your local laws. These devices can provide a strong sense of security — especially if you’re home alone or outside — and can disable someone long enough for you to escape. But they come with inherent risks. They must be kept accessible to you without being easy for kids or grandkids to find. Best thought of as a last line of defense rather than a first response.

None of these tools are perfect or guaranteed to work. Every situation is different, and what helps one parent may not work for another. But having options like these, even imperfect ones, gives you agency and a sense of control. Sometimes options are the difference between living in fear and beginning to reclaim peace, stability, and even moments of safety in your own home.

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Feeling Safe Again

Some of these strategies may feel counterintuitive or even shameful, especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe “good parents” don’t operate this way. Reframe that.

This isn’t about your child anymore — it’s about you.

It’s about self-care, and it’s about survival.

Years of instability and broken trust leave a mark. Many caregivers develop symptoms of complex PTSD including panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, dissociation, insomnia, emotional exhaustion. You may jump at every noise, keep your phone within arm’s reach, or struggle to sleep through the night. That doesn’t mean you’re weak or paranoid — it means you’ve lived through trauma. Recognizing those symptoms for what they are is the first step toward healing.

Real healing doesn’t start with forcing yourself to “move on” or “get over it.” It starts with felt safety — the calm in your body that tells you you’re no longer under threat. That’s why strategies that look like “enabling your child” are worth considering in this context. They reduce risk and help you reclaim that sense of safety.

That $10 for fast food isn’t spoiling your child. It’s buying peace for you, and sometimes protecting your other children in the process. That peace matters — because when you feel safe again, you can begin to rebuild your strength, your calm, and your hope.

Felt safety, even in small doses, restores a sense of agency. And sometimes, having that agency is the difference between living in fear and reclaiming your life.