15 Practical Self-Care Ideas for Parents

via Blog – Institute For Attachment and Child Development

A self-care list for the exhausted, frazzled, frustrated parents without a minute or ounce of energy to spare.

Buy little indulgences that help calm you. Nestle scented candles strategically throughout your home to provide scents for instant relaxation and calm. Pamper yourself with essential oils to make the most of your shower (perhaps one of the few moments of privacy you get).

Use simple tricks to feel better physically. Splurge on a really great refillable water bottle and stay hydrated to improve your overall energy and health. Stock up on grab-and-go healthy snacks (but don’t beat yourself up when you grab for a high-carb, high-satisfaction treat during a rough patch).

Look for support in the nooks and crannies of life (that can be so difficult to find from friends and family). Fill up your social media feeds with encouragement at your fingertips by following pages, people, and accounts that post motivational quotes and memes. Please, use the comments to share your favorites to follow.

Find creative ways to make up for enjoyable activities you don’t have time for anymore. Don’t miss your favorite shows. Consider DVR to enjoy them when you can sneak a few moments to yourself.

Seek the small feel-good moments in life. Open your curtains and let natural light nurture your mood and improve your concentration. Get your endorphins pumping by walking laps while your child is occupied in baseball, soccer, or football practice.

Make those few hours of sleep you get as rejuvenating as possible. Purchase a pillow that provides good support. Check out a Weighted Stress Blanket or neck wrap. (I sleep so much better with mine).

Don’t sacrifice your daily coffee even on the most chaotic of mornings. Use the app for your local coffee shop to order ahead and skip the line. (I use both Dunkin Donuts’ and Starbucks’ online apps to order ahead and earn rewards.)

Pamper yourself. Get a pedicure or manicure. Just a glimpse of my strawberry pink nails helps me feel good about myself even as I clutch the steering wheel, flip through paperwork, and wipe up messes. Drop in for a 15 minute walk-in chair massage at your local shopping mall for instant relief from tension headaches and tight muscles.

Escape into that guilty pleasure read with an audiobook. I’ve always got at least one audiobook* downloaded onto my phone for those endless hours of chauffeuring kids, sitting in waiting rooms, and idling in carpool.

Hire some help for everyday tasks. Look for a maid service to clean your bathrooms and kitchen every other week. This is a big bang for your buck in terms of getting a little relief. Don’t let lawn work be a time suck when there’s probably an eager teenager in your neighborhood looking for pocket cash.

Just say ‘no’ to extra activities and volunteer work you’re signing up for only out of a sense of obligation. It’s okay to prioritize yourself right now.

Ask for help that’s actually helpful when friends and family offer. Suggestions include, “Would you bring by a meal on Tuesday? Could you drop my daughter off at piano lessons this afternoon? When you swing by would you bring a gallon of milk?”

Surround yourself with people who support the incredibly challenging work you’re doing and limit time with naysayers. Don’t seek advice or support from people, even family members, who don’t ‘get’ the very real challenges you’re facing.

Join a support group. Online support groups can be a great way to feel less alone and get practical suggestions for busy parents. A favorite of mine is the private Facebook group The Underground World of RAD.

Be your own greatest fan. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Remind yourself of all the things you do well. Give yourself a generous ‘A’ for effort for those things you don’t do so well.

Photo by Pete Bellis on Unsplash

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A white mother on her black son: He’s treated differently

My Op-ed published by The Charlotte Observer

My biracial son Amias and his white cousin Jacob – middle school honors students – stood a few paces apart at a local shoe store . Clutching my debit card, Amias glanced at a Nike price tag as a store clerk approached. “You can’t be in here without a parent,” he said. Apologetically placing the shoe back on the display, Amias jogged to the exit then sat on a bench waiting while Jacob continued to browse uninterrupted.

When Amias asked why he was treated differently than his cousin, overt racism was an easy, but insufficient, answer. The clerk probably didn’t attend neo-Nazi rallies on his days off It probably wasn’t intentional at all. Instead he likely acted on an unconscious gut reaction. This type of implicit bias, the unconscious prejudice that underlies our actions, is tricky because it’s often subtle and ambiguous. Some argue it doesn’t exist. As the white mother of a black son, I assure you it does.

The compounding effect of implicit bias sets Amias’ future on an entirely different trajectory than that of his white cousin. According to a new study, Race and Economic Opportunity in the United States, even though Amias and Jacob started life on the same rung, Jacob has upward mobility while Amias is far more likely to fall down the ladder than climb up it.  Read more here.

Open letter to a therapist from a mom of a child with RAD

Dear Therapist,

I am desperate for your help. I apologize ahead of time if I seem angry and defensive. I’m just burnt out and afraid you won’t understand. My son is completely out of control and nothing works.

I’ve tried to get help before from therapists and teachers, even police officers, but no one understands. They all think I’m exaggerating, or maybe even lying. My own mother says, “He’s just a kid,” and can’t understand what I’m dealing with is way beyond normal, way beyond safe, and way beyond what I can handle. My son went through trauma at a young age and has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder.

I’m not exaggerating when I say my son screams for hours. He’s torn his bedroom door off the hinges and put holes in his walls. His siblings are afraid of him. Sometimes I’m afraid he’ll burn down the house when I’m asleep.

When you meet my son, he’ll look like a very different child than he is with me. You’ll think I’m overreacting. I’m not. You see, my son is an expert at triangulating the adults around him. Due to his early trauma, he manages his surroundings and the people in them to feel safe. In doing so, he’s good at making everyone think I’m mean and crazy. Sometimes I start to believe it too.

I have a secret I should probably share with you—it’s true that I’m not perfect. I’m very aware of that fact. I’ve screamed at my son and lately I’m always angry and frustrated. I’m afraid to tell you this because you’ll think I’m a bad mom and blame me for everything. Most people blame me for my son’s problems. Yet, I’m the one person whose life has been turned inside out and upside down to try to help him.

[bctt tweet=”Even though I’m not a perfect mom, I’m still a good mom trying my best. ” username=”RaisingDevon”]

I’ve turned into an unhappy, negative, impatient person whom I don’t even recognize anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I have post-traumatic stress disorder, but feel stupid suggesting that dealing with a child could cause PTSD. It would be helpful for you to encourage me to get some therapy for myself.

Even though I’m not a perfect mom, I’m still a good mom trying my best. Before we get started, here’s what you need to know (because my son will tell you otherwise):

    • I feed my son three meals a day, plus snacks.
    • I don’t hurt my son.
    • I’m not the one who rips up his homework and throws it away.
    • He locks himself in the closet under the stairs. I don’t and wouldn’t ever do that to him.
  • Our house isn’t haunted, he’s not best friends with Justin Bieber, and he’s not going to live with his birth mom next week.

My son will tell you things in individual therapy that will take up all of our time to untangle.

In the meantime, we’ll be distracted from working on the really serious problems for which we need your help. This is why I’m going to insist on being present during all therapy sessions. Please understand it’s not because I have something to hide. I just want to keep things from getting worse than they already are.

Typical parenting strategies like sticker reward charts don’t work for my son. We’ve already tried all sorts of behavior modification strategies. I can’t ignore my son’s negative behavior either. I can’t just watch him hurt himself, his siblings, or destroy everything we own.

Please understand, our family is in crisis.

This is an emergency. We need help and we need it fast. That play therapy you do in the sand…I don’t know, maybe it works for some kids–but not for him. I’m not trying to be unreasonable; I just know what doesn’t work. If you don’t have experience working with trauma-exposed kids, please refer us to someone who does. I understand this is a very specific and serious issue that not all therapists have expertise in.

I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help my son heal and to fix our family. Please help us.

Sincerely,

Keri

Originally posted by the Institute for Attachment and Child Development here.

6 Steps to protect yourself from false allegations

Published by Institute for Attachment & Child Development

A sweet little kindergartener, with a Blues Clues backpack and big brown eyes, Devon went to school every morning with a hungry belly. At least that’s what he told the bus driver, his teacher, and the cafeteria ladies. When I got the call from his school, I was positively indignant. Not only did Devon eat breakfast every day, but he usually had seconds.

Within a few years, Devon’s lies had become dangerously calculated deceptions. “I’m gonna hurt myself and tell them you did it. They’ll arrest you,” he’d say cooly, before punching himself in the jaw. Other times he’d twist the tee-shirt he was wearing round-and-round, cinching it against his neck until it left a puffy, red ligature mark. He’d accuse me of strangling him.

Unfortunately, many children with reactive attachment disorder are capable of false allegations. “Due to early trauma, children with reactive attachment disorder feel safe when they can control their environments and push away people who try to get close to them,” said Institute for Attachment and Child Development Executive Director Forrest Lien. “False allegations are one way for them to achieve both.”

Even if we understand the diagnoses and social histories that prompt our children’s false allegations, however, being lied about can be infuriating and hurtful.

A child’s allegations, however outrageous or unlikely, will be investigated. This unwarranted disruption and family upheaval is collateral damage, necessary to make sure children who really are abused get the justice and safety they deserve. “By law, police officers or child protective service workers investigate all allegations of child abuse, as they should. Child abuse allegations need to be taken seriously,” says Institute for Attachment and Child Development Executive Director Forrest Lien. “On the other hand, it’s also harmful for children to falsely accuse adults of abuse charges.” The consequences of false allegations can be devastating if our children, master manipulators, manage to convince a guidance counselor, therapist, or police officer they’re telling the truth. Parents can unjustly face jail time and lose their children without reason.

Here are 6 steps you can take to protect yourself and your family if your child makes false allegations against you:

1. Keep a daily log. I use small notebooks that fit easily in my purse and document conversations with social workers and teachers, write notes after therapy appointments, and record details of any behavioral incidents. I also write down what my son eats for breakfast, what activities we do, and what time he goes to bed. The key is to be consistent and document even the mundane. Your log will be much less credible if you only log when an incident occurs.

2. Gather documentation. To establish a pattern of behavior, keep school disciplinary records, ask people to follow up on calls with an email, and, if your child is admitted to a treatment program, request their records when they are discharged. These documents may have mistakes or minimize your child’s behaviors so comb through them and request any corrections. Discuss false allegations with your child’s therapist. Your child may admit the truth to them and this can be documented.

3. Don’t lose your cool, or your credibility. When a therapist, teacher, or others bring an allegation to your attention, listen. Breathe. Keep the frustrated tone out of your voice,  don’t jump to defend yourself and never exaggerate. Sometimes you’re going to find yourself in a she said–he said and your credibility will be everything. A non-defensive response might sound like: “Gosh, I fed Devon eggs and toast this morning, but thanks for letting me know that he told you he hadn’t eaten. If he ever does miss breakfast, I’ll be sure to email you so we’ll be on the same page.”

4. Use video/audio recordings (sparingly). This is a tricky one that can backfire. First, remember that your words and actions on any recording will be judged, probably more harshly than your child’s. Second, you may be accused of provoking your child by recording them, especially if they scream at you to stop. In a few instances, I’ve been successful flipping my cell phone recorder on without my son seeing it. Give that a try.

5. Don’t go it alone. If things are spinning out of control, call a family member or friend to come over to act as a witness. Sometimes you may have to resort to desperate measures. For example, my son currently lives in a group home and I’ve refused to have visitations with him unless we are in a room with cameras and a staff member. We’ve had to cancel and reschedule visits because of this, but I cannot risk being alone with him.

6. Have a backup plan. Have a contingency plan so your other children do not end up in foster care if social workers remove them during an investigation of a false allegation. My sister and her husband have agreed to take my children if this should ever happen to me. It’s a worse case scenario, but you need to be prepared with a plan.

Though my son has hurled devastating false allegations against me, I’ve been able to avoid the worst potential outcomes by being proactive and meticulous about documentation. It’s extremely sad that I’ve had to do so. Yet, it’s a devastating reality that many parents of children with reactive attachment disorder must face to save their families.

Here’s a great resource with advice and information: Responding to Investigations Manual

3 Reasons Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work With Kids From Trauma.

For years I pulled out my hair not understanding why my parenting strategy was working with my birth and other adopted children, but not with my son, Devon. NOTHING worked. Learning that traditional parenting methods don’t work with kids who have a trauma background was a milestone for us, something I wish I’d know much earlier than I did.  How to work with these kids is counter intuitive. Check out this great post by adoptive parent Mike Berry

via 3 Reasons Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work With Kids From Trauma. | Confessions of an Adoptive Parent

How to Discipline a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

It’s the million-dollar question. How do we manage the behavior of children with RAD?

Therapeutic approaches can seem scarily permissive. Meanwhile, traditional parenting approaches backfire spectacularly.

At the root, most behaviors children with RAD engage in are intended for self-preservation – by sabotaging relationships and controlling their environments. It’s unlikely, however, that they’re introspective enough to be consciously doing this. These underlying motivations are etched like scars on their psyche.

Most likely, the in-your-face motivations of these kids are far more concrete. For example, our kids may be arguing incessantly because:

  • it’s a habit like biting their nails or spinning a pencil
  • they want to test our boundaries to see how flexible the rules are
  • they don’t really care about anyone else’s feelings or needs
  • they love to push our buttons and get a reaction

When we’re in the trenches trying to manage these behaviors it’s sometimes difficult to embrace therapeutic parenting approaches because they seem to discount these in-your-face motivations entirely. Instead, they focus completely on the underlying, unconscious motivations.

[bctt tweet=”I’ve had therapists tell me that my son has no control over his behaviors – as if they’re as involuntary as a sneeze. I sure know that’s not the case.” username=”RaisingDevon”]

Yes, in the real-world of RAD parenting, we know the in-your-face motivations are every bit as real as the unconscious, underlying motivations. In fact, they’re what make the behaviors so painful to deal with emotionally. As a result, parents often focus on the in-your-face motivations and find themselves angry, frustrated, and easily triggered.

Let’s consider that in many children, both sets of motivations co-exist.

For example,

My child is arguing just because they enjoy pushing my buttons. It gives them a feeling of control which they unconsciously crave because they intrinsically believe the world is unsafe.

When we look at the motivations for the behavior more holistically like this we are able to have greater empathy, more patience, and find energy to invest in long-term approaches. Below are some resources I’ve found useful for specific strategies and approaches. Please be sure to comment and share what’s working for you.

Recommended Resources


The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting

Sara Naish’s book “The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting” it a balanced approach that’s both therapeutic and practical. She covers behaviors from Absconding to ZZZZ (sleep issues) and everything in between. For each behavior she helps us understand the broad range of reasons why a child might be doing it. She also provides strategies to prevent the behavior, to manage it in the moment, and to address it after the fact. These suggestions are refreshingly practical and obviously written by someone who has been in the trenches themselves. Read my full review or pick up a copy here: The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting.


How to Discipline a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder-2

How-to blog post

Check out this excellent post on how to discipline a child with RAD. This is one of the most complicated topics related to RAD. Most ‘discipline’ is ineffective and it can be quite risky.

How to Discipline a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder – Every Star Is Different

Believing “children are resilient” may be a fantasy | Psychology Today

How did resilience become a standard? How did we come to view children almost as nuisances who just need minimal support? How did children’s needs become dismissable?

via Believing “children are resilient” may be a fantasy | Psychology Today

Social Services: Beat Burnout

Mental health “workers” are chronically overworked, underpaid, and not appreciated. “Workers,” given a variety of job titles, are the day-to-day staff who work in group homes and residential treatment facilities, and provide some in-home services. Unlike licensed clinicians and supervisors they’re in the trenches with us and our kids. They’re often just as exhausted as we are.

[bctt tweet=”It’s a sad truth we must face: even the most well-intentioned worker doesn’t have the capacity to give our child the quality care they otherwise would if they’re burnt out. ” username=”RaisingDevon”]

A few summers ago Natasha was one of our Intensive In-Home services workers. She was absolutely wonderful and dedicated to our success. She was on call 24-7 and when Devon flew into a rage she would hurry over, once rolling straight out of bed in her pajamas. “You go on and do your stuff,” she would say waving me away. “I’ll take care of him.” Natasha knew how much control Devon had over our family during his rages. It was debilitating, keeping me from my job and Devon’s siblings from soccer practice. Natasha was determined to put a stop to it. Day-after-day she spent hours shut in the garage or a back room with Devon while he screamed and raged.

While this respite breathed some life back into me, Natasha burnt out before my eyes. She was working 60+ hours a week plus taking paperwork home every night. Her employer was sometimes ‘late’ on her paychecks and she was over loaded with clients. 

It’s a sad truth we must face: even the most well-intentioned worker doesn’t have the capacity to give our child the quality care they otherwise would if they’re burnt out. 

Here are some ways you can counteract mental health worker burn out and make sure you child receives the highest quality of care possible.

Be Kind–Be polite. Often these workers can’t control the things that are upsetting you so it’s unfair to yell at them. Compliment them when you’re impressed with their work, or even just to tell them you like their new haircut. Offer the in-home workers a cool drink and snack. It is these in-the-field, on-the-ground workers that can make a huge difference in the quality of services your child receives so investing kindness is well worth it.

Do Your Research–Carefully research the agencies you receive services from. In most cases, the ones that can “get you in right away” are the ones to steer clear of. A long waiting list, or at least a few weeks wait for an intake appointment, bodes well for the quality of service you can expect. Ask for referrals from your pediatrician. It can be difficult to find people to ask for personal recommendations when you are first starting to get services, but once you’re “in the system” you’ll find yourself sitting in a lot of waiting rooms chatting with other parents. Take advantage of these opportunities to ask about their experience with various agencies even if you aren’t currently looking to switch services.

Demand Quality Service–Your first priority is your child. Don’t accept sub-standard services! When you first start services with any provider they hand you a stack of papers that outline your rights and the policy to file complaints. I used to dump those in the trash as I walked out of the building, but now I know how valuable they are. You need to know what you are entitled to and what procedures to follow if you need to escalate a complaint. If it becomes necessary, switch agencies or providers in order to get better services. Also check for a parent advocate organization in your area. They can refer you to services and will send an representative with you to meetings to advocate on your behalf.

Whenever you can, advocate for better working conditions for mental health workers. Our kids are only going to be safe if workers are qualified, well-trained, and fairly compensated. Not long ago, there was a riot in a psych facility in my area and the workers were blamed for not handling the situation better. I wrote an op-ed suggesting that we’re asking too much of these entry-level, hourly employees and that working conditions must be improved. You can read my full op-ed here: Charlotte Observer/Don’t blame workers for psych center woes

College $$$ for foster care alumni

Sadly, only 3% of foster care alumni will earn a bachelor’s degree compared to 60% of the general population.

Many states now offer full tuition exemption to state and community college for kids who spent anytime in foster care including adopted foster children.

Most states also offer Education and Training Vouchers (ETV). These are federal funds, up to $5,000 per year.

A few notes:

  • Most of these programs have upper age limits. For example, ETV is only available until age 23.
  • Many states offer reciprocity.
  • There are of course many deadlines and details. Please start working on this well ahead of when your child graduates high school

The good news is that every state offers something!

Click Next for the full state-by-state list.

Continue reading College $$$ for foster care alumni

Why I use the word “rage” and not “tantrum” for my child with developmental trauma

What kind of parent calls the police when her kid has a tantrum? Or, even worse, tries to check him into a mental health hospital? Me.

Every time the cops arrived or we got to the hospital, my young son Devon transformed into an angel. I’d explain that he’d been throwing a terrible tantrum. Yet, his serene affect and puppy dog eyes would belie my words. It was hard enough to ask for help but to imagine the eye-rolls behind my back was humiliating. I probably reminded them of the woman who called 911 because McDonald’s had run out of chicken nuggets.

[bctt tweet=”I probably reminded them of the woman who called 911 because McDonald’s had run out of chicken nuggets.” username=”RaisingDevon”]

Time and again, I was turned away without the help I so desperately needed because we all know what a “tantrum” looks like—a kid kicking his or her legs, crying and screaming, for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. By calling Devon’s episodes “tantrums” I was unwittingly minimizing what was actually going on and no one was taking me seriously.

These were no tantrums. Devon was:
    • Screaming, spitting in my face, and making himself throw up
    • Ripping his bedroom door off the hinges, and putting holes in walls
    • Punching, kicking, and attacking his brothers and sister
  • Pulling out his eyelashes, and banging his head on the floor

These episodes of extreme behavior were happening several times a week and would often last for hours. I was in over my head and needed help, but because I was using the word, “tantrum,” people thought I was overreacting.

These weren’t “tantrums,” they were “rages.”

When I began to use the correct terminology to describe Devon’s behavior, health care and mental health professionals, even police officers, were more receptive. “Rage” was a magic word that made people pause, listen to my story, and try to help. Instead of brushing me off, they called in psychiatrists and social workers. They made referrals for local services. They stopped treating me like I was just a high-strung mother.

If your child’s behaviors are extreme, way beyond being a tantrum, your child may be having rages too. “Kids with developmental trauma can tantrum but they can also rage,” said Institute for Attachment and Child Development Executive Director Forrest Lien. “A child has a tantrum to attempt to get his way but it is contained. A rage is out of control and stems from the child’s fear and anger. It’s irrational and almost dissociative.” It can be difficult to tell the difference between a rage and a tantrum, especially when your child’s episodes have increased in severity and length gradually over time.

Here are some distinguishing hallmarks of a rage:
    • Rages are explosive

    • Rages feel scary and out of control

    • Rages last longer than a few minutes

    • Rages become physically violent and aggressive

    • Rages may include acts of self-harm

    • Rages often end in destruction of property or harm to others

These behaviors are not normal for a child of any age. If children acts out in these extreme ways, they need real help. Parents need help, too.

So, how does a parent get help? How do they get someone to understand the seriousness of the situation? They need to adequately describe and use the word “rage” when talking to therapists, pediatricians, and other professionals. The word “tantrum” paints a picture that is nothing like the extreme episodes the child experiences. When they start with, “My child has rages…” and then describe specifically what the episodes look like, how long they last, and how frequently they occur, people seem to listen more closely.

“Rage” is a word that works.

Has this worked for you? Are there other words that “work” you can share?

Published by:

Williams, Keri. “Home.” Institute For Attachment and Child Development, IACD, 14 Mar. 2018, instituteforattachment.ong/rage-not-tantrum/.


Now available on Amazon


Life, Animated: A Story of Sidekicks, Heroes, and Autism

An inspiring story of a family who used Disney animated movies to communicate with their non-verbal autistic son, Owen. Ultimately this creative approach led Owen out of the darkness. He went on to graduate from high school, get a job, live independently, and connect in meaningful relationships.

While this story is about autism specifically we can all learn from this family’s ability to recognize an opportunity to creatively connect with their child and help them live the best life possible.

Find it on Amazon:  Life Animated A Story of Sidekicks Heroes and Autism Be sure to check out the excellent documentary as well, available via Amazon Prime here.

* As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Assumptions: The deck is already stacked against you

Navigating the mental health system on behalf of our children, especially those with extreme behaviors, is like traversing hostile territory. The assumptions mental health professionals make about us and our families are quicksand sucking us into a quagmire of misunderstanding and bitterness.

Here are just a few assumptions that have been made about me:

  • You need basic parenting instruction and training; forget your idea of common sense, and trust the ‘professionals’
  • You’re being selfish and need to snap out of it; you’re not putting your child’s wellbeing above your own
  • You treat your birth kids better than your adopted child; that’s why he’s acting out
  • You don’t feel affectionate towards your adopted child because something is wrong with you emotionally and mentally

Of course, the worst, and most pervasive, assumption I’ve encountered is, “You’re mostly, if not entirely, to blame for your child’s behavior.”

Ouch. This one is perhaps the most difficult to grapple with–don’t we often secretly believe, or at least wonder, if it’s true?

As parents we must accept responsibility where appropriate, but with some perspective. Blaming the parent–especially an adoptive parent–is way too easy of a fall back position for a therapist. Lack of progress with your child can be blamed, not on their methods and approach, but on you. It also removes any agency and responsibility from your child.

Trust me, mental health professionals are making assumptions about you from the moment you walk through their door. The deck is already stacked against you. So, forget being charitable, assume the worst, and keep your guard up.

[bctt tweet=”Blaming the parent–especially an adoptive parent–is way too easy of a fall back position for a therapist.” username=”RaisingDevon”]

Don’t overshare

Be very cautious about sharing sensitive information with your child’s therapist. It’s easy to think of them as objective. They’re not.  If it comes to taking sides, they are on your child’s side. Don’t do what I did and blurt out at your first appointment that you don’t feel maternal affection towards your child. If you do, that’s almost certainly the ONLY thing they’ll focus on going forward. They’ll immediately conclude this is the cause of your child’s extreme behaviors, not considering that it might be the extreme behaviors that has caused your lack of affection. I see a therapist myself now, and that’s where I blurt out everything and get the support I need.

Keep a journal

It is critical that you start keeping a journal. Start today. Every time you see a therapist or doctor–document the date, time, who you saw, and a summary of what was said. If your child’s teacher, foster parent, or caseworker calls you take out your journal and take notes. I once had a case worker insist my son hadn’t exhibited any behavioral problems in the last month to justify pulling his services. I was able to pull out my journal, flip it open and ask: “Well, what about last Wednesday when Juan called me to report that Devon was trying to stab a peer in the head with a pencil and had to be restrained?” I went on to list multiple incidents from the time period in question. His services were renewed.

Don’t believe it

Screen Shot 2018-03-08 at 6.49.58 PM

Your own feelings of inadequacy and guilt are likely to be your biggest weakness, especially when some of your most self-judgmental thoughts are affirmed by the assumptions underlying the advice mental health professionals give. You’ve been living under a great deal of stress and instability. You may be traumatized by what you’ve been through. 

Listen to the advice you are given and take what’s of value, but don’t automatically believe everything you are told. Just because they’re the “professionals” that doesn’t mean they speak gospel. You know your child and family best.

How have assumptions affected your ability to get help for your child?